Two Worlds

So often I feel like I'm caught between two worlds. In one, I crave predictability. There I long for a school at which I teach for the next 20-30 years and develop long lasting relationships. I'd get to watch hundreds of kids go off the college and wish them farewell on their journey, and then maybe even teach their kids some day. In this world, I have a house, but not the cookie cutter one in the burbs, but a cozy dwelling in a residential part of the city. There I have kiddies who I kiss goodbye on their way to school in the morning and hubby who I do the same. In this world I'm settled and content. There I'd have a house filled with books and smells like home cooking and a yard filled with veggies that echoes the childish giggles of my wee ones. Some part of me wants this life, and has prepared for it. As a little girl, I used to plan out my children's lunches and decorate my house with clipping from magazines. I'd dream of family barbecues and themed birthday parties. As I got older and moved away from home, I adopted my friends as family and played out some of these fantasies, inviting friends over for tree trimming parties and potlucks. But this life that I dream of would not satisfy the whole me.

My boss said that I don't strike him as the type of person who would stay put very long....

In this second world, I crave spontaneity. There, I explore locations and jobs, but my relationships and career stay the same. I'd still get to influence hundreds of students, but the relationships would be more superficial than the teacher who taught at the same place for 20 years. But I get antsy. Right now, I've been in the same apartment for 3 years. It's a perfect, rent controlled, newly renovated, walking distance from my job, in the city's zip code, apartment, and I want to leave. I just want to be somewhere different. And I love my job, but when the offer of another job came in, I couldn't ignore the excitement. If I was content here, why would I want to leave, I wondered? In this other world, I am an international traveller. Hopping from country to country, immersing myself in the culture and engaging in my artistic side. Yeah, see I am also a writer, singer, visual artist, and so many other things. I don't show it off much or even really practice because I live in between these two worlds. In the second world, I can''t really imagine having kids. I can't imagine there being much stability in this second world, but I'd somehow manage to find a partner who would follow me to the ends of the earth. Literally. And we would enjoy a life full of adventure.

My mom says I'm unconventional....

But I AM conventional, at least some part of me is, and that's the problem. I am constantly having to balance between the two. Well I say all of that to say that I've got to find a way to be content with both sides of me. One day I tried to assess myself by taking a look at all the pictures and posts I'd made in the past several years to see what it is that I engage in the most, and I'm just a bit of everywhere. Not to mention, I noticed that people kept asking me to share. Share my latest recipe, dress pattern, hairstyle, lesson plan. Hell, I've even been asked to put my poetry in anthologies. And once upon a time I used to perform all the time, now I haven't performed a single piece of music in public since my sister's wedding 3 years ago. In order for me to really know what I want out of life. This also gives me a chance to practice, as I'm sure you guys will hold me accountable, but it also allows me a place to review and reflect on my skills. My mom always says I should share, so I'll be sharing my scattered pieces because I need all of them to make up the whole me.

Stay tuned.